francia | [Post 050] Anonymous Text

but what does physical attraction have to do with love? what's the difference between finding someone attractive and building up an ideal off of that and 'love'? or if the physical desire is born of some ingrained belief that you're supposed to feel that? and how can you even know if you 'love' a person or just some idea of a person you've invented in your head? what if you have these feelings for someone who doesn't return them? why would anyone keep loving someone when they know that person doesn't love them back?

[So much for being careful and as anonymous as possible.]

[Woah, that's a lot of questions! Well, you've come to the right place.]

Technically, physical attraction doesn't have to have anything to do with love. Physical attraction is physical attraction. It does not need an ideal or belief. It simply is a pull, an urge, base or higher or otherwise, in its most basic form. Ideals and beliefs can lead to physical attraction or love or both together; it's not cut and dry. Sometimes it is impossible if you love a person's ideal or the person for whom they are. Your perception and the reality are always intertwined. Physical attraction is a central feature to most romantic feelings which are accompanied by emotional attachments and the desire for both physical and emotional to coincide. Essentially, the relationship between physical attraction and love is often not mutually exclusive; it is interconnected and messy.

If the person you feel for doesn't return your feelings, it is very often the most painful experience you will ever have, but the best you can do is accept it. But just because you accept your feelings are one-sided, it doesn't mean that you yourself will stop feeling as you do. Love and attraction defies all logic and control; it is the single unconquerable force of nature for better and for worse. People love and desire in the same breath, chastely or not, and it's not up to us to decide how we're going to feel about it. We feel, often despite everything and anything.

but that's ridiculous. what's the point in having feelings for someone who doesn't return them? if someone doesn't love you, and isn't kind to you, why have those feelings? and so strongly? it just seems stupid and pointless. how is someone supposed to be happy when that's standing in the way?

It is ridiculous. Feelings of any sort don't have to have a point because sometimes the feeling itself is the point. Feelings are reactions to stimulus, and that stimulus doesn't have to be positive or negative: it simply has to be. You may consider certain feelings stupid because they go against what you logically expect or think you should be feeling. Feelings, however, don't follow logic either in their existence or their level of intensity. In short, feelings are often illogical and detrimental. This doesn't mean that you cannot be happy but that the feelings associated with what is standing in your way are not allowing it. The question that should be asked at this point isn't one of happiness but whether or not you want to stay on that path.

but you said it yourself. it's not logical. i can't stop feeling the way i do or wanting the things i want, even though it's pointless. and painful. i didn't choose this path but i can't leave it no matter how i try. i think about this person. i see this person and everything's a mess. why is some person so important to me?

Because, try as we might, there is no life without others. The importance of this one particular person is likely tied up in many aspects of yourself. Perhaps it would be useful to look back on your relationship and ask yourself where did you start? How did it develop to the point that it is now? Are you interested in fixing the state of your relationship? You may find along the way of reviewing what has come to pass that there are other avenues to approach where you are now. You might not be able to change your feelings, but you can change how you experience them.

there's hardly any relationship to speak of. i don't know how things got to where they are now. i don't know how to fix anything. i don't think he even wants me around him. i don't know anything about love.

I would say that you actually know quite a lot about love. From what you have said here, you know its pains and its uncertainties. You know all of love's worst parts. But that is still knowing something about love.

Have you tried to talk to each other? Have you asked him any of the questions that you've asked me?

what worth is knowing only the worst of anything? that should be different now. i can't. he wouldn't listen. our talks don't go very well.

It's worth a lot. You know what's gone wrong. You know how not to repeat the process that has lead to where you are now.

What does go well between the two of you, if anything at all? Even if it's just one thing, it matters.

maybe that's the problem right there. nothing went wrong. it's always been wrong from the start.

[Lust has to think long and hard. Something that goes well? Is there anything? Anything mutual? They've managed one or two civil conversations.]

i think we spoke without being cruel to each other once.

[France feels so sad for you.]

What were you talking about that time and why?

nothing important. pokemon, i think. it doesn't matter.

It does matter. You've found a topic that doesn't lead to immediate conflict. Why do you think talking about Pokémon led to a different outcome than your other conversations?

no, it doesn't. it won't change anything or make any difference. nothing does.

Then you are resigned to stay where you currently are in this relationship? You don't want it to change?

there is no relationship. we aren't anything to each other, just people who know one another. that had one not-awful conversation once. you see why i question my own feelings.

I do. And I also think that there is a relationship by virtue of the fact we've had this conversation. You aren't simply people who know each other; there is a history between the two of you. You imply other conversations and other interactions. This other is a strong figure in your life whether you want him there or not. That is a type of relationship.

[France initially paused before adding a second part to the text and sending it.]

You're deeply invested in this. Both the state of the relationship and your investment upsets you. You asked me questions about love and then told me about this relationship only to deny the existence of the relationship just now. You love this person and you oscillate between acknowledging and denying it. Choose one or the other. You can't do both.

Edited 2014-07-03 22:46 (UTC)

a relationship requires something on both sides. a longing isn't a relationship. i'm deeply invested in the person, but whatever is between us doesn't deserve the grand designation of 'relationship'. i'm not denying my feelings, but i barely even understand what they are. do i love him? or is it just some ideal? or is it caught up in something else entirely? i don't know. i know i feel for him and at times it seems a consuming thing. but i can't bring these things to him without upsetting him somehow or making things somehow worse. i don't want that.

You want progress. As much as this situation causes you despair and anger, it also is something that you want to understand. The process of understanding what you're feeling and where you are in the relationship is your next step.

You already have the hard part done: you know what you want to discover about the love you're experiencing. And it is a type of love; it would not be so painful if it wasn't, and the worst you can do for yourself is deny it. Love has many expressions, and it's unique to each individual and situation. I gave you some basic definitions, pushed you on your inquiry, and maybe was a bit cruel in this. You need to, in your own time and method of contemplation, define your love. Then you will know what to do with it.

[Post 050] Anonymous Text

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